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I love Kentucky. The history, the heritage, the swearing-in ceremony where you must vow you have never participated in a duel… And, of course, the people. For the most part.
Yet while I love my Old Kentucky Home, there is one issue that gets in my craw. If you think this is going to be a diatribe against slow drivers in the left lane, then you’ve been rifling through my computer. Or have psychic powers. Whatever – just please leave my Disney Haunted Mansion ride-thru videos alone.
For those of you unfamiliar with my complaint, in the Bluegrass State, when it comes to left lane motorists, they crawl into the fast lane with the clearance distance of a 747 taxiing into CVG Airport before they make their turn.
I’d like to tell these drivers, in the most sensitive and compassionate way possible, their preternatural efforts aren’t necessary.
At least one state has figured it out. Starting Sunday, South Carolina police can write tickets for people who drive too slowly in the left lane. That slice of Heaven came from a bipartisan bill, proving that politicians can actually work to be productive, if they are so inclined.
Sure, the penalty is only a fine. My preference would be a stretch on the Rack, or a reflective rest in an Iron Maiden. Good for the soul, you know.
I do not know if South Carolina’s law has a catchy name, like the Sloth Law, the Turtle Act or the Slug Initiative. But I am now sure that at least one state in our union has finally had the temerity to tackle what I call the Pedantic Perambulation Peril.
Yes, I know you know perambulation refers to walking, but anything else played havoc with my alliteration. The main point being, if you are going to drive slower than your fellow travelers, stay in the right lane.
Imagine Maysville had a Bermuda Triangle for pokey drivers. That area would cover the region between the AA Highway, Clark’s Run Road and the merge lane in Washington past US 62 (not the fake 62 the Highway Department is trying to foist upon us – the real US 62).
Instead of vanishing, never to be seen again, every slow driver in the Ohio Valley will appear in front of you, inexorably creeping toward wherever slow drivers go.
Compare the experience to shopping at the grocery store and encountering a pair of shopping carts in the cereal aisle, side by side, creating a blockade between you and your Frankenberry.
Standing there, fuming as your Ben and Jerry’s Netflix and Chill’d ice cream turns to liquid, what would you do? Shopping carts don’t have horns, so you can’t honk at them. Hand gestures would lead to conflict faster than jumping line on Jabba the Hutt at an all you can eat buffet.
Which leaves you where? Still going forty in a fifty-five mile per hour zone behind a car that, more often than not, has an Ohio license plate (sorry, Buckeyes – you don’t even turn right on red in Kentucky).
My best advice is to crank your favorite music, calm down, and slowly go with the flow.
Have you considered !